cahwyguy | Entries tagged with relationships

userpic=characture Right now, I’m in the doghouse for interrupting my wife. Out of a speaking habit I acquired growing up*, I started talking over my wife while we were having a discussion over something I saw on Facebook. She took it as yet another example of my disrespecting her opinion (as she had asked me not to do it in the past), and although I’ve apologized, she is still upset with me. From my site, there was no disrespect intended, but that doesn’t mean that cannot see how the behavior was interpreted and how it hurt her.

Thinking about the incident this morning, I realized that it is a lot like our problems with hidden privilege in this world. People do things out of habit — out of custom — without thinking. But can be reacting to feminine hygene items left on a counter , to assuming a particular economic advantage, to making assumptions based on gender or color, to interrupting and devaluing comments, to … . Often the person in the habit does not consciously intend to disrespect or take advantage of privilege or power, but that doesn’t prevent it any less from harming the other party. Habit does not make something right, does not excuse a behavior. Habit is often something that needs to be broken, but perhaps is the hardest thing to break.

I intend to break my habit of interrupting, for I do not intend or mean to disrespect my wife. It will be hard, and I need those who interact with me to chide or remind me when I fall back into that habit. A way of behavior acquired over many years does not mean it is proper.

Similarly, we should all think whether we have habits that disrespect other people and potentially take advantage of privilege. Do we automatically assume everyone was raised with the same advantages we had? Do we have behaviors that are, in the words of Avenue Q, just a little bit racist? Do we tell ethnic jokes or imply ethnic stereotypes without thinking?

I am going to make a conscious effort to break my habit. Are you going to join me (and help me), in my fight — either at a personal level, or even in larger society?

[*: A long time ago, a friend commented on the correspondence between speaking styles and network protocols. He noted that everyone’s household grows up with a particular protocol: jump in anytime, wait for any pause, wait for a significant pause. When you get into a discussion with someone from a different protocol, the behavior can be seen as interrupting, to disrespectful, to dominating. There’s not a conscious intent to create that feeling, mind you, but it comes across just the same.]

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userpic=mood-swings A late lunch post: It is rare that I get a threesome-themed news chum early in the week like this, but I just lucked out:

The Value of Face to Face. A recent study has shown that if you’re feeling depressed, hanging out with friends or loved ones face-to-face is better for your emotional health than a phone call or sending an email. Specifically, people who get together regularly with family and friends are about half as likely to report symptoms of depression as those who have little face-to-face contact. In the study, volunteers who met with family and friends at least three times a week had the lowest risk of developing symptoms of depression, 6.5 percent, compared to an 11.3 percent risk among those who got together once every few months or less when surveyed at the two-year mark. In contrast, the frequency of phone calls and emails had no clear impact on the risk of depression.
The Importance of Encouragement. Another study has shown that praise from friends and family not only makes us feel good, it actually improves our problem-solving skills. According to the researchers, the study illustrates the positive impact of “best-self activation” on problem-solving abilities: When people are reminded of a time in the past when they were at their best, they’re more likely to rise to the occasion once again. And while thinking back on proud moments can be helpful, the researchers found that best-self activations were most effective when they came from participants’ social networks. Positive memories from friends, family, and colleagues have a real impact on our ability to successfully perform tasks under pressure.
Cheap, Large Weddings Bode Well. Here’s one more interesting research finding: according to a new study, spending between $2,000 and $4,000 on an engagement ring is significantly associated with an increase in the risk of divorce. On the other hand, to minimize your chances of divorce: You should date for three years before popping the question. Be wealthy, but don’t be a gold-digger. Have a huge wedding, but make sure it’s cheap. And whatever you do, don’t skip the honeymoon. Here’s a great article from the Atlantic that visualizes the results of the study.

[Edited to fix the first sentence: The original (“it is rare that I get a threesome early in the week like this, but I just lucked out”), on first blush and a second reading, made me second blush.]