![[United States of America]](https://pics.livejournal.com/cahwyguy/pic/00056kwb)
[Today is Columbus Day, and, FYI, the banks are closed. Thus, it is all together fitting and appropriate to remind people why we do this... to give bankers 3-day weekends
]
In 1961, the humorist Stan Freberg issued Volume 1 of The United States of America, a musical telling of the founding of America through the Battle of Yorktown (Volume 2 goes through the end of World War I (âTheyâll never be another warâŠâ)). The first scene on Volume 1 relates the story of how the Indians discovered Columbus. As today is Columbus Day, I present a transcription of the scene:

NARR: 1492, Madrid. The Queen of Spain grants an audience to an obscure Italian sailor. There, in her chambers, plans are made destined to change the course of history.
COLUMBUS (CC): Alright, weâll go over it once again. First you hock the jewels, you give me the money and I buy the ships. Then I discover the new world, you dump the king, and Iâll send for you.
QUEEN ISABELLA (QI): You say youâll send for me, dahling, but will you?
CC: Look, weâve been all through this before.
QI: I know, but really, youâre such a dreamer. Youâll go out there and sail right off the end of the world.
CC: I will not!
QI: Youâre such a charming boy, dahling. Why donât you forget all this? Iâll set you up with a nice little Fiat agency over in West Barcelona.
CC: I donât want a Fiat agency!
QI: Then why donât you go to art school like your friend, Da Vinci? Iâll put you through.
CC: If Lenny wants to starve to death, thatâs up to Lenny. Me, I want to discover the new world, carry out my dream. (trumpet fanfare)
ANNOUNCE: His Majesty, King Ferdinand.
QI: (gasp) The King.
CC: Oh, sure, heâll be at the inquisition all afternoon.
QI: Time just slipped away. Quickly, take the jewels and go, over the balcony. (door opens)
CC: Too late.
QI: Good afternoon dear. How was the inquisition? Amusing?
KING FERDINAND (KF): Dullsville. Same old⊠say, whoâs that?
QI: You remember Christopher Columbus.
KF: You mean old âround, round worldâ. (laughs). You and your Bohemian friends.
QI: Heâs not Bohemian, heâs Italian.
KF: Italian, Bohemian. Look at him in that hat. Is that a crazy sailor?
QI: Crazy? Iâll tell you how crazy. Heâs a man with a dream, a vision. A vision of a new world, whose alabaster cities gleam, undimmed by human tears. With purple mountains magestied above the 2 cents plain
CC & KF: (fruited)
QI: Fruited. He holds these griefs to be self-evident, this âround, round worldâ with Indians and justice for all. Let us then go forward together toward Miami Beach, so that the dream of this crazy Italian boy, indivisible, should not perish from the map. (cheers from crowd)
CC: Is that moving? Was that a great bit?
KF: I always said this girl had a lot ofâŠWait a minute! I ask a simple question, I get a pageant. Why should Spain sponsor you? Why donât you go to Portugal?
CC: I didâthey bought âThe Price is Rightâ
KF: Oh.
CC: Then I have your permission to sail?
KF: Have you had your shots?
CC: I have.
KF: Permission granted.
CC: Gracias. Areva Derchi
KF: Hasta La Vista
QI: Adios (Mariachi band: Adios Muchachos, Compañareros)
KF: Would you get out of here? (footsteps) Strange, he left by the balcony.
QI: Force of habit I guess.
KF: Yeah, yeah, howâs that again.
QI: Nothing.
KF: Isabella? When are you going to quit fooling around with these nuts?
(on ship) 1st Mate: Admiral Columbus, sir. The men are weary, on the point of madness.
CC: Well, thatâs the trouble with labor today. Donât they realize weâre going to discover the New World?
KF: Youâve been saying that for the last 57 days.
CC: Nobody forced you to come along, your Majesty.
KF: My doctor told me I should go to Florida for the winter.
KF: I still canât see what you needed three ships for?
CC: I got a better deal on the fleet rate.
KF: Iâll accept that. But we better sight land soon, thereâs rumblings of mutiny.
CC: Really?
KF: Come over here and listen
Crew: Rumble. Rumble. Rumble. Mutiny. Mutiny. Mutiny.
CC: I see what you mean. Iâll jump up here on the rigging and speak to them.
KF: You mean on top of everything else this ship is rigged?
CC: Now hear this! This is the Admiral speaking. I know the going has been rough, but if you can just hold out a little while.
Crew: (rumble rumble)
CC: Stop that rumbling down there.
KF: Who can blame them! The whole thing is madness! I donât like the way the crew is acting!
CC: Youâre overplaying it a little bit yourself there.
KF: I tell you the world is flat, and thatâs that!
CC: Itâs round as your hat!
KF: Itâs flat as your head!
CC: Itâs round!
KF: Itâs flat!
CC: Itâs a round, round world
Itâs a round, round world
I contend itâs round,
and itâs gonna be found
When all the results are in
Itâs a round world now and itâs always been
KF: Flat Flat world
Itâs a flat, flat world
I insist itâs flat as a welcoming mat
And heâs sailing off the end
How about our crazy Itralian friend?
CC: Friend, Get hip
Would I climb aboard this ship
If I didnât have odds the earth was highly spherical
KF: Itâs a miracle if it is
CC: Square, square king
Youâre a square, square king
If you donât believe
Youâre gonna receive
The shock of your royal life
When the ship pulls in at MiamiâŠ
Crew: Yo, ho, ho and a Dramamine
We are loyal subjects of the king and queen
But what kind of nut would you have to be
To borrow a ship and put out to sea
When you donât know whatâs on the other side
[Simultaneously:]
KF: All week long on a hardtack bun
Brother, who said getting there is half the fun
Give up my throne for one Navy Bean
No wonder Iâm turning three shades of green
How could I go on such a loony trip
CC: Round, round world
Itâs a round, round world
I contend itâs round
And itâs gonna be found
When all the results are in
Itâs a round world now
And itâs always been
[Simultaneously:]
Crew: Crazy kind of scheme
Itâs a cockamamie dream
If we donât sight land weâre gonna scream
CC: Get hip
Would I climb aboard this ship
If I didnât have odds
The earth was highly spherical
KF: Itâs a miracle if it is
[Simultaneously:]
Crew: Yo, ho, ho through the wind and rain
Thereâs a typhoon coming up
But whereâs John Wayne?
CC: Square, square crew
Youâre a square, square crew
[Simultaneously:]
CC: If you donât believe
Youâre gonna receive
The shock of your salty lives
When I take command in the name ofâŠ
KF: I feel like a red witch having a wake
How much of the ocean bit do you think I can take
Claim that land in the name ofâŠ
CC: Isabella and Ferdinand
KF: Thatâs Ferdinand and Isabella:
Both: New rulers of this round, round world
Crew: Crazy kind of scheme, Itâs a cockamamie dream, but we hope thatâs its a round, round world.
KF: Well, for all our sakes, I hope thatâŠ
Lookout: Land Ho! (horn fanfare)
KF: What was that?
CC: French horns.
KF: No, before that.
CC: It was the lookout, he sighted land.
Crew: Hurray
CC: Quickly, hand me the glass.
KF: Alright.
CC: No, no, the other one.
KF: Oh? (pause) Oh. (sound of wine pouring)
CC: To the New World!
KF: Likewise (clink)
KF: Alright, alright, give the kid top billing.
CC: I claim this land in the name of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain.
Indian Chief (IC): How?
CC: Well, first I stick the flag in the sand, and then IâŠ
KF: Watch yourself Admiral. Natives. They may be hostile.
CC: Well, weâre all a little hostile now and then. Some of us are able to sublimate. Others canât adjust. You know how it is.
KF: I know, but you better try to talk to him.
CC: Alright. Hello there. Hello there. We white man. Other side of ocean. My name, Christopher Columbus.
IC: Oh, you over here on a Fulbright?
CC: No, no. Iâm over here on an Isabella, as a matter of fact. Which reminds me. I want to take a few of you guys back on the boat to prove I discovered you.
IC: What you mean discover us? We discover you.
CC: You discovered us?
IC: Certainly, we discover you on beach here. Is all how you look at it.
CC: Yeah, I suppose. (pause) Well, my men and I were wondering if you could spare a little food.
IC: What kind num-nums you want?
CC: What is that strange looking plant youâre holding there, with the little yellow kernels?
IC: You mean this? (trumpet fanfare)
CC: Yes, what is that?
IC: French horns.
CC: No, no, what youâre holding in your hand.
IC: Oh, corn.
CC: Thatâs what I thought it was. What else you got to eat around here?
IC: Berries, herbs, natural fruits, and organically grown vegetables.
CC: Just as I suspected. What kind of a diet is that! Thatâs why Iâve come here, to fulfill my dream.
IC: You have a dream?
CC: Yes I do.
IC: Would you like to talk about it?
CC: I certainly would. My dream is to open the first Italian restaurant in your country. Give you some real
food: starches, spaghetti, cholesterol, ⊠all the better things. Thatâs called progress.
IC: Hmmm.
CC: Now right here would be a good location for the restaurant, ocean view and all that. Is there room for a parking lot?
IC: You kidding? Whole country is parking lot.
CC: I suppose. Well, Iâd like to put a little deposit down on the property, hereâŠ
IC: OK
CC: âŠI only have a few dubloons on me, so if you direct me to the nearest bank, Iâll get a check cashed.
IC: You out of luck today. Banks closed.
CC: Oh, why?
IC: Columbus Day.
CC: Oh, yeah. (pauses) We going out on that joke?
IC: No, we do reprise of song, that help.
CC & IC: But not much⊠noâŠ
Simultaneously:
CC: Round, round world
Itâs a new found world
And the land looks good
Like a continent should
Complete with a flag unfurled
Indians: Yo, ho, ho and a buckskin sleeve
Now the white manâs here I guess
Itâs time to leave
But why go to war and fight like a jerk
Perhaps we can pick up some kind of work
Indians: In an Indian extravaganza
Wyatt Earp or Bonanza
CC: Please donât call us, weâll call you
KF: Step aside pal, meet the new
Both: Big cheeses of this round, round world!
This entry was originally posted on Observations Along The Road (on cahighways.org) as this entry by cahwyguy. Although you can comment on DW, please make comments on original post at the Wordpress blog using the link below; you can sign in with your LJ, FB, or a myriad of other accounts. There are currently
comments on the Wordpress blog. PS: If you see share buttons above, note that they do not work outside of the Wordpress blog.

(Click Here to Comment)